Do people speak the truth when they are angry?
/I saw a Facebook post that said:
“Pay attention to what people say out of anger, they've been dying to tell you that.”
Is this true?
We can’t control the thoughts that show up in our head. They just show up. But when we are emotionally and spiritually healthy we CHOOSE which thoughts to hold on to and which thoughts to reject. This is called self-control. Romans 12 teaches us to renew our minds which means rejecting untrue thoughts and meditating on true thoughts.
“I appeal to you therefore, brothers, by the mercies of God, to present your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and acceptable to God, which is your spiritual worship. Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect.”
Romans 12:1-2 ESV
When we are in anger we are in fight or flight and the choosing often goes out the window. So there is more of a chance we just say thoughts that show up that we haven’t vetted. Or we ruminate and replay thoughts we haven’t vetted on loop. This is unproductive. We may even know these thoughts to be untrue but say them because they will be hurtful. This is sinning in anger.
“Be angry and do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger,”
Ephesians 4:26 ESV
Anger can help us see injustice. It can compel us to action. But anger can not help us take wise action. Even God had questionable ideas when he was angry with the nation of Israel. “Let me kill them all and start over with you Moses!!” Moses talked him down.
This is why it is better to vent to God when we are angry. If I need to vent then it will be to God or perhaps a very close godly friend who will hold space and help point me back to truth. When I vent to God the Holy Spirit will point me back to truth.
If I am angry it is better to walk away and cool down. I should not ignore the anger. I should come back and address it when I am not in an angered state. Then I can address the perceived or real injustice with love, gentleness, and self-control. I can then with wisdom participate in the kingdom work of making all things new rather than just destruction.
So back to the quote. Have they been dying to tell you that? Maybe they have been wanting to share something that worries or hurts them. But the way it comes out in anger is probably the worst most hurtful and unhelpful expression of the idea. It is far better to calm down and ask God to give me truth and wisdom to handle a conversation with gentleness and self-control so I can say what I need to say without being punitive.
When someone does say something in anger it is wise to give grace and space for them to cool down so we can get to the root of their perceived or real injustice with truth and a shared desire for growth. If they continue to say mean things out of anger or are unable to regain self-control then I will separate myself from that because I respect myself.